They say that money is the root of all evil, and it certainly seems to be the cause of most break-ups! So, before your financial woes affect your relationship, read Pride’s steps to achieve financial harmony.
By Cynthia Lawrence
It’s a familiar scenario. You and your partner have just had a heated argument (again!), you stormed off in a strop and now you’re giving each other the silent treatment. It seems the on-going issue just won’t go away. However, the cause of the problem is not sex, the kids or whose turn it was to do the dishes, but that dirty word – money. Whether it be bickering about escalating bills, debts and those secret purchases you hid from him (you know, those to-die-for stilettos that were just screaming out your name as you walked past), have no fear: you are not alone. According to a recent survey, a staggering 70% of couples argue about money matters, while financial stress is becoming the number one cause of divorce. It just goes to show that money really does talk! “When a couple has any problem, it’s because of a power imbalance,” suggests Donna Laikind, a marriage and family therapist who counsels couples on money issues. “Money is not seen as the commodity that it should be. It’s fraught with layers and layers of meaning.” Managing your money relationship is a two-way street. And with a good partnership, you could happily deal with financial infidelity.
Communicate about money
Okay, so it’s not the most stimulating of conversations, and indeed 91% of the people surveyed said they avoid money talks at all costs. But if there are any financial concerns, then they should be addressed quickly before finances (and your relationship) spiral out of control. Whether it be your spending habits or his dismissive attitude towards paying bills, you need to discuss the problem. Treat your finances like work and set some time aside to sit down and have a meeting about any concerns. After your first talk, you can set up monthly meetings to track your progress.
Establish realistic goals
Set money rules so that not every little thing is an issue. For example, put a plan in place with what you are doing with your money before it is gone. If it is anything to do with the home, have a set budget or emergency cash fund that you cannot delve into. Also, set limits on what you can spend on household purchases without consulting your partner. That way, you have more control over your outgoings. Two heads are better than one, and when it comes to finances, it’s important for the two of you to be on the same page and manage money together as a team.
Support each other
Power struggles in a relationship can often occur if one person is the sole breadwinner, or if one earns significantly more than the other. In the current climate of redundancies, it can be more stressful for the person who was made unemployed. If you are the person who still has the job, it is important to be patient. Losing a job or being fired can dent anybody’s self-esteem, so there is no need to make it worse. Be sure to give your partner as much support as possible.
Focus on solutions and not the problem
Once you’re faced with the stark reality of money problems, it’s sometimes easy to slip into patterns of anger and blame: “You didn’t pay the overdue gas bill when you said!” Don’t go down this path. This often fuels further disputes and causes more stress in the relationship. Try to focus on accepting the situation you are in now and on working on a clear solutions or a plan to move towards a better financial future together.
Avoid a “Parent-Child” dynamic
When one of you dictates where the money goes and the other shows independence – or rebellion – by breaking those rules, a parent-child dynamic is created. This is unhealthy for the relationship and can lead to serious issues. “It’s really hard for couples to recognize that pattern on their own,” says Kristy Archuleta, a marriage counsellor. To rebalance, the “parent” character has to share the amount of power and responsibility with the other (“child”) in the relationship, says Archuleta, “so that they’re both acting more like adults together.”
If necessary, enlist a third party
If all else fails and the dark clouds of denial are still obstructing your view, a trusted financial advisor (make sure they’re fee-only, not paid by commission) can save not only the day but your relationship. A professional advisor can help to identify problems, help map out a plan of action to resolve issues and, best of all, take on the role of “bad cop” so you can both keep the peace at home.
Be careful about your credit reputations
Although there is no such thing as a “couple” or “joint” credit report, if you are both listed as joint account holders, any missed payments or credit issues will mar both of your credit histories. The fact that you have always had an excellent credit rating in the past makes no difference. Maintain some credit autonomy by having your own cards, from which you do your majority spending. The joint account should only be for “joint” purchases and not for personal expenditure.
