Every issue, Pride gives a reader the opportunity to share the pearls of wisdom they’d pass on to her younger self if they could. This month, author Pam Rowe reassures her younger self that she should never blame herself for the tough times she suffered at the hands of those closest to her – and that positive things lie ahead.
Dear young Pam,
This is a letter from your older self to tell you some things that I hope will spare you years of anguish and low self-esteem.
First, let me tell you that you did nothing wrong. You are not to blame for the trauma you experienced. Because of their problems, people did terrible things to you. It doesn’t mean there is anything bad about you. Never believe them when they try to label you, as they intend to confuse you. Don’t let it work.
Our mother, who was bringing up five children without the help of our father, thought she was doing the best thing for you when she left Jamaica to go to New York to work so her children could have the life they deserved. She thought she was doing the right thing by leaving you, the baby, with a trusted aunt. She didn’t know about the brutal beating you would receive from her at the tender age of seven. She didn’t know that your aunt would take out her frustrations on you when her life took a turn for the worst.
Young Pam, when our mother died before she could complete the immigration process for you to join her, it wasn’t your fault. It was a cruel blow especially as you didn’t remember her. Our brother recently told me that she was upset about this and her final words were a request for him to look after her girls and make sure you were okay. I am sorry that at the time you didn’t know how she felt about you. It would have saved you feeling that she didn’t want you, didn’t love you and you had no-one in the world on your side.
When you met our father for the first time at age 15, you were not to know that he had no boundaries. Anyone would have been happy to meet a parent who showed them what they believed was love especially after the rape you experienced in New York. You didn’t know that people could befriend you so that they could abuse you. Your brothers and sisters didn’t explain the danger from abusers. They didn’t realise that they needed to communicate with you about these things. They were busy trying to survive.
You also didn’t know that your childhood experiences would result in you choosing partners that were not right for you. You mistook people taking an interest in you to meet their own needs, as love. You didn’t realise that the most important love was the love you have for yourself. Today, I know this and the main message from me to you is, truly love yourself. You will then attract partners who love themselves too, and aren’t looking for someone to compensate for what they didn’t get in childhood.
Remember and embrace the fact that you are beautiful and will achieve everything you desire. Never give up; you can heal from the past to have the future you deserve.
Pam Rowe’s memoir, Clear Water, is out now, priced £16.99 or £9.99 on Kindle, available at https://www.amazon.co.uk/Clear-Water-Speaking-Unspeakable-Purpose/dp/199961132
