On the first London stop of her bestselling book tour, Michelle Obama addressed thousands and dropped some gems that we can all learn from – Nicole Vassell shares the best bits
For as long as she’s been a public figure, Michelle Obama has been someone who many people have looked up to.
As the first black First Lady of the United States, there was a lot she had to deal with, and without any guidance from anyone who could properly relate to this unique new title. The speculation was higher, and the expectations were unfairly greater. Nevertheless, she handled it all with dignity and grace, acknowledging her blackness all throughout her tenure as First Lady, and she was passionate about amplifying the challenges for girls and women globally.
She ended 2018 releasing her memoir, Becoming, which became a near-instant bestseller worldwide, as well as embarking upon a major book tour to support it.. One of her dates brought her to the Royal Festival Hall of London’s Southbank Centre, and Pride was fortunate enough to be there to witness it! If you were one of thousands to miss out on a ticket, never fear: here’s some key things you missed – and some things to look out for if you’re catching her on her return to the UK in April…
Beating self-doubt
One of the most fitting elements of the talk was in its moderation by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. By having two black women literally taking centre stage and holding the attention of the thousands of guests in the Royal Festival Hall, it was a powerful sight to behold. It also gave them the opportunity to highlight experiences that happened to Michelle as First Lady as a direct result of her being a black woman; namely, racist and misogynistic comments online and in the media that depicted her as looking like an ape, criticising her physical appearance, and even claiming that she emasculates her husband.
It’s the ‘angry black woman’ trope, writ large, and Michelle Obama is well aware of how it is something that many who look a little like her can relate to.
‘What happens to black women is that we become a caricature,’ she began. ‘People will literally take our voices; they will take the things from us that they like. The size of our hips, all of a sudden, is ‘in’. Our style, our swag, it becomes co-opted – but then, we’re demonised. We are “angry”, we are “too loud”, we’re too everything, and I experienced that. Just by campaigning, and speaking truth to power – “how dare I have a voice, and use it?”’
However, she went on to clarify that the prejudices and short sightedness of others should, in no way, hold us back from stepping up to the plate.
‘The message that we’re sent from the time we’re little is: maybe we’re not ‘good enough’. “Don’t reach too high; don’t talk too loud.” This is true for women, for working class people, but it’s profound for women of colour in a way I don’t think most people understand,’ she admitted.
‘We’re walking around with demons and doubts in our head; and that’s the first dragon that you have to slay. You have to slay the dragon in your own mind, because here’s the secret; I’ve been at probably every powerful table that you can think of. I have worked with non-profits, I’ve been in foundations, I’ve worked in corporations and served on corporate boards. I’ve been at summits, I’ve sat in at the UN… They’re not that smart.’
Readers, take note: we are fully deserving of that seat at the table we want to sit at. Though there may be obstacles, there’s no way we’ll be able to beat them if there’s still that boulder of self-doubt within us, telling us we can’t, from the very start.
Raising the next generation
Throughout the book, Michelle Obama gives lots of reverence to her parents, and how they brought her up by treating her, and her elder brother Craig, as adults. Fairly, calmly, and with clear conversations, Fraser and Marian Robinson were as upfront with their children as they could be.
‘My father believed in real practical lessons,’ she explained. ‘If we asked about sex – what it was, and why do people make such a big deal of it – he’d sit us down and say: “I’m not gonna lie to you, sex is fun, it’s a good thing! But it has to be responsible, and it has to involve love.” I use that as an example of the level of frankness that you can have with children. You don’t have to sugarcoat it all the time; you have to present it in a way that’s appropriate.’
Sadly, Fraser Robinson died in 1991 after a long battle with Multiple Sclerosis, and before having the chance to see many of the amazing milestones hit by his family in the years since. Michelle’s eyes watered as she recounted some things that he’s missed: like walking her down the aisle, or meeting any of his grandchildren, her daughters Malia and Sasha. Yet, she remains motivated by the fact that she’s enacting a legacy that he put in place, and ever-grateful that he and her mother never forced her to dampen her fire to fit in:
‘Instead of doing what we often do to girls who are feisty, which is try to put that flame out – douse it out of worry she’s not being ladylike – they wanted to keep my flame lit, because they knew I’d need it later on. To have that in raising a girl means that you have to value her voice, and let her speak.’
The truth about love
A woman of self-esteem and reverence in her own right, it wouldn’t be surprising if you’d forgotten that Michelle Obama is in quite the high-profile relationship, with a man who’s pretty impressive himself! Of course, the conversation couldn’t go without mentioning her husband of over 25 years, former US President Barack Obama.
Through their many years of interviews and public appearances, it’s clear that they have a deep love and respect for one another, built over their decades of establishing an extraordinary life together. However, one of the most illuminating truths she shared on stage was the fact that it takes a lot of ongoing work to make a marriage a success – even with a couple that seem as well balanced as the Obamas.
With the pressures of being the First Family, it’s understandable that they may have faced their fair share of trying times – and fortunately, in Becoming, Michelle doesn’t shy away from admitting that they’ve been to couples counselling in order to reinforce the strength of their marriage. When discussing her willing openness about discussing their personal dynamic, she admitted that she did it in order to provide more clarity to people’s belief that they’re ‘couple goals’, who just fit together with the magical powers of love.
‘You’re trying to meld two lives together; that is hard! And there’s no training for it; no class. People tell you, “It’s [about] love” – it’s not love, y’all!’ she chuckled. ‘Love is some of getting married, but if you want to stay married, it’s a lot of compromise, and a lot of work.’
Interestingly, she also revealed how Barack’s ambition forced her to really be honest about what she wanted out of life, as she didn’t want to be a mere passenger as he rose to the top. Michelle wasn’t going to allow herself to silently fold into her husband’s legacy; she had to make sure to have ambitions of her own, and keep them alive.
‘He was very focused, driven, self-directed,’ she explained. ‘When you fall in love with someone who has that kind of passion, I knew that I needed to anchor myself in who I needed to be, because what I didn’t want was to become an appendage to his dreams, which could easily happen with someone so forceful. I knew I wanted to be a woman who had my own identity, with my own sense of self, so that I wouldn’t get lost in his journey.’
Becoming: an ongoing process
Whether or not you’ve yet devoured all 421 pages of Becoming, the title brings back the idea that who a person is, is never a final product. You don’t just stop at a particular stage of life, after a particular experience, be it good, or bad. Michelle Obama was the First Lady, but her story doesn’t stop there; there are more chapters of her story to come, and she had a full life, with a range of careers prior to life in the White House.
Put simply, she said: ‘Growing up is infinite.’
That’s something to keep in mind, especially at the start of a new year; when all thoughts are directed towards setting goals to achieve, in order to reach this final stage of happiness and satisfaction with your life, it’s wise to remember that we’re all in a constant state of reinvention, until our time on earth is up. After all, Michelle Obama herself has proven that it’s true! And for that, Michelle, I thank you.
